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There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"

34     → Joke


A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Pastor: "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

19     → Joke


Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.

In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

14     → Joke


A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

29     → Joke


Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"

Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."

God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."

"As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."

31     → Joke



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