Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?18 Blonde Jokes
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"31 Baby Jokes
"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.28 Priest Jokes
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.30 Ghost Jokes
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death ... we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Bono is up on stage with U2 doing a gig at Wembley, when the song finishes he starts to slowly clap his hands and says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies!"21 Irish JokesNext page Jokes
A voice near the front of the stage shouts to bono in a Irish accent: "Well stop fucking clapping then!"