Mary's teacher asked "Stand up if you think you are an idiot ..." she sarcastically announced. Mary stoop up, smoothing her dress.
"Do you consider yourself an idiot, Mary?" The teacher said with a smirk.
"No, of course not. I just didn't want you to be the only person standing."
was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner
used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
A New York Divorce Lawyer
died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless
person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell