76 jokes about people48
A Sunday school teacher asked the children
just before she dismissed them to go to church
, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
replied, "Because people are sleeping
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.6
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.
"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher again approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
One day an out of work mime
was visiting the zoo
, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.
The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla
named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job
to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.
The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion
in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.
Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked: "Tell what is important about yourself." Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God
looked to Al and said, "I like the way you think, come and sit
at my left hand."
God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand."
God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded "I think you are sitting in my chair!"