worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw
. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming
Three soldiers wounded in Iraq come home and are greeted by President Obama. He thanks them for their service, but tells them that, because of budget cuts, there have been some changes to the way you will be compensated for your wounds. You will be paid $100 per inch from any one part of your body to any other part of your body, you get to choose the parts.3 Proposal
The first soldier, somewhat disappointed, says "Measure from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.", he is measured, and paid.
The second soldier says, with his arms stretched wide, "Measure from the tip of my left hand to the tip of my right." He is measured, and paid.
The third soldier smiles happily, and says, "I want you to measure from the head of my penis to my testicles." Somewhat confused, President Obama says, "Whatever you say, soldier, drop your pants." The President looks, and sees that the soldiers testicles are actually missing. After a moment, Barack regains his composure, and asks "Where are they son?" The Soldier looks at the president, smiles, and says, "Baghdad."
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.2
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
Gordon Brown was lookin for a lady of the night. He found a girl in a local pub. He said: "I'm Prime minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend time with you ...?"
Her reply: "Mr prime minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes
, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners - then it won't cost a fucking penny!"
along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song
she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses
When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music
store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.
"Hello," the mechanic
"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.
The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."
"Oh, is that a record?" she says.
"No," he says, "but it's better than average."