69 jokes about pans5 → JokeProposal
So Dan and Mike are drinking beer in a bar.1 → JokeProposal
"Hey Dan, did you know the universe is expanding and there's nothing we can do about it?"
"Of course there's something we can do about it, Mike."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"Tell your mom to stop eating."
So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.5 → JokeProposal
So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting. So he stops at the drugstore on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.
He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."
They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.)
Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything.
He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he grabs little sister ... tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun ... still not a word, though.
Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."
A passenger plane was flying over a desert when one engine broke down and the plane crashed.3 → Joke
One man survived and decided that not knowing when help would arrive, he needed to prepare himself for surviving.
After three months the man had settled in quite nicely, built him a shelter, had a steady food supply and found a water hole.
Also at this water hole he came across a lone camel staying by the water hole, and accepted this camel as his 'company'.
For another three months this went on until the man was starting to get bored with the life he had made for himself in the desert, and as with any man, the man had been raunchy for quite a while now, until one day, whilst looking at the camel, considered it ... and had a go but failed in his attempt.
This was the case every day for the following three months, with the man getting to an uncontrollable state of raunchiness, when another plane crashed near where the man was staying, he rushed to the scene to find a sole survivor, a beautiful young French female model.
The man helped the lady to his home where he fed her, gave her water and started telling his whole story about living in the desert.
As night fell and the man went on telling his story, the model got more and more amazed at this man's story, and by the time the man was had finished, the woman had even fallen in love, and with their romantic atmosphere asked him that for all of his troubles and kindness, there surely was something she could do for him??
... After thinking for a while the man agreed and pointed at the camel saying "I've been trying for three months now, I would really appreciate it if you could please hold the camel still!"
11 → Joke
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"