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Old woman jokes

59 jokes about old women



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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

41     → Joke


Proposal

A proof that men have better friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friends house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Man didn't come home one night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friends house. Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he slept over and two said he was still there.

7     → Joke


A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

19     → Joke


Proposal

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2: 38! Turn from your sin!"

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman immediately called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"

6     → Joke


Proposal

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us."

The husband said, "who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?"

4     → Joke




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