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Old man jokes

144 jokes about old men


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Proposal

A little girl finds her dog dead with his legs in the air and she asks her dad why it's like that.

Dad says: "It has died and it's like that so jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven."

The next day girl says to dad: "Mom nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting: 'Oh Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming and if the milkman hadn't been holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

2    


fish
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...

Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal.

The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"

4    


parakeet
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

10    


office chair
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

16    


conference room
The tensions of life were threatening to get a strangle hold on Bill, and after he'd finished a good dinner, he relaxed mindlessly in a soft chair next to the stereo, with a stiff drink in his hand. His wife knew nothing of his nervous state, and she climbed onto his lap with the thought of trying to wheedle a fur coat out of him, and snuggled and murmured and fondled.

"Good heavens, Ethel," he exploded, "get off of me! I get enough of this at the office."

11    


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