144 jokes about old men
and his dog
walk into a bar
. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."Bartender
: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball
player of all time?"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
No one in this town could catch any fish
except this one man
. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing
the next day ...
Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite
, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.
The game warden told him that this was illegal
The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"
goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
. The shop owner
points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars
". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV
remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband
refused to come shopping
with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother
to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair
at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old
woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart