82 jokes about nuts
28 doctor jokes
There was once a very prim and proper older lady
who had a problem with passing gas
. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing
18 redneck jokes
The National Poetry
Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck
from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:
“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.
The redneck, with sweat rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:
“A friend and I a hunting went,
We spied three maidens in a tent,
They being three, we being two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”
The redneck went to the finals.
27 sex jokes
Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex
therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts
and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love
A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor
. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.
The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"
After continued begging from the Jonses, the doc said "ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."
7 coconut jokes
My friend thinks he's smart, he said onions
are the only food that make you cry.
So I threw a coconut
at his face.
26 rabbi jokesNext page Jokes
and a Hindu
holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer
. The farmer said: "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig
in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow
in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the Televangelist to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.