A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.13 Age JokesProposal
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.5 Short jokes
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
Teacher: "Great news, we have a test today, come rain or shine."4 Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny smiles.
Teacher: "So what's so funny about it?"
Little Johnny: "It's snowing!"
Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?2 Mother-In-Law JokesProposal
Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
The hospital calls me up and tells me my wife has wrecked my car.2 Short jokes Jokes
I say, "Who is me! Don't you people ever have any good news!?"
"It depends on how you feel about your wife. You see the airbags failed too."