A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
A man walked into a bar after just being dumped. The person serving at the time was a woman. She kept on giving him free drinks the whole night. When the bar had closed she went up to him and asked if he wanted to go upstairs for a quicky. He of course said yes and they went upstairs.
When they got there the women asked if he had any protection. He didn't have any and answered no. So she told him there was a chemist across the road and gave him $ 1.
When he got to the chemist there were a selection of condoms to choose from:
There was a tramp one for 50 p. There was an apple flavoured one for $ 1. And there was a metal one for $ 1.50.
As he only had one pound the man bought the apple flavoured one.
During the the night of fun the condom slipped and the lady got pregnant. The couple married and raised a son.
When he was 5 years old, he went up to his dad and cried: "Daddy why do I have green arms? This is not fair."
To this the dad replied: "I would count yourself lucky my son. If I would have had an extra 50 p you would have been Robo-Cop"
A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him $10,000 or the Politician's which was $100,000.
"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.
"not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
A man walked into a bar after just being dumped. The person serving at the time was a woman. She kept on giving him free drinks the whole night. When the bar had closed she went up to him and asked if he wanted to go upstairs for a quicky. He of course said yes and they went upstairs.
A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him $10,000 or the Politician's which was $100,000.
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?