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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

45     → Joke


Proposal

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away."

The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"

9     → Joke


A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes ..."

39     → Joke


Proposal

A guy has a business trip to China. While he's there he has fun with lots Chinese ladies of the evening. After coming back home to the US, he notices his penis is getting funny looking green rings around it and blue and red spots too. He goes to his PCP and the doctor does some tests. He says, "I'm afraid we'll have to amputate your penis!" The guy refuses and goes to another doctor, who tells him the same thing. After trying a few more doctors, he thinks, "Wait a minute, I got this in China, I'll go to a Chinese doctor, he'll be able to help me!" So he goes to Dr. Long Wang. Dr Wang looks at the guy's member and says, "Oh, you got Chinese dick disease. No worry!" The guy breathes a huge sigh of relief! He says, "Wow, I'm so glad! All the other doctors over here I went to said they wanted to amputate it!" Dr. Wang exclaimed, "Ah yes, American doctors always want to operate! No worry! In 3 weeks penis turn black fall off by self!"     ~ I hates bill gates

8     → Joke


A lady in labour is shouting the usual stuff: "Get this out of me!", "Give me the drugs!",... She turns to her boyfriend and says: "You did this to me you bastard!"

He replies casually: "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said 'Fuck Off! It'll be too painful!' Not laughing now are we!?"

20     → Joke


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