Married jokes

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Two married Fellas, Jim and Alec were having a beer after work. Jim says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" said Alec.

"Well, see the other day, instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Alec. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "You bitch, you've ruined my life!!!"

"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"

"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They are married.

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."