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Marriage jokes

105 jokes about marriages



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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker

told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man

thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and

you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take

that chance."

47     → Joke


There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX: You and your spouse are newlyweds and you fuck all over the house.

BEDROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for a few years, have settled down, and only fuck in the bedroom.

HALL SEX: You and your spouse have been married for fifteen years and say, "Fuck you!" when you pass in the hall.

COURTROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for twenty years, your spouse's lawyer fucks you out of everything you've got.

37     → Joke


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

18     → Joke


I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"

45     → Joke


Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

38     → Joke


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