Mad - 60 jokes
67 Little Johnny jokes
It is near the end of the school
year. The teacher
has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
57 Little Johnny jokes
The kindergarten class had a homework
assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids
to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny
, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period
" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
52 sex jokes
One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis
on the black man in the adjoining urinal. "How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks
?" "Well," replied the black man, "when having sex
, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it."
After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"
"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck
like a black man!"
52 penis jokes
was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner
used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
50 mother jokesNext page Jokesmad sayings
A little girl asked her mother
, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made ..."
Two days later the girl asked her father
the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!"