One Day the Devil
challenged the Lord to a baseball
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
, down on his luck, went into a church
which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon
, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"
The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam
and said, "It is time for you and Eve
to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache
Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk
and wake up in jail
. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God
to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.
Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer
, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.
3 men die and go to heaven. St. Peter is standing at the gate and asks the first man how long were you married the man replied 40 years. St Peter asks how long were you faithful. The man replied 40 years. St. Peter replied you get the roles royce to drive around in heaven.2
the second walks up. St. Peter asks him how long he was married and how long he was faithful. The man replied St. Peter I was Married 40 years but only faithful for 20. St. Peter replies you get this beetle to drive around in heaven in.
The third man walks up and St. Peter asks him the same question. The man replies I was married for 40 years but only faithful for 10years. St. Peter said you get the mopad to drive in heaven So the man with the mopad and the man with the beetle was driveing and saw the man with the roles royce off the side of the road crying they asked him what was wrong the man replied OH! LORD! I just saw my wife roll by on a skateboard.