A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.13 Age Jokes
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Yo momma is so stupid, she puts lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.4 Yo Momma Jokes
Chuck Norris and Superman had a contest once to see who was the most powerful of them.3 Superman Jokes
The loser had to wear his slip over his pants ...
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."9 Dog JokesProposal
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
A high-school sports fan takes his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They have a great time, and their team wins. After the game, he askes his girlfriend how she enjoyed the experience. She says, "I loved it. The hot guys, the tight pants, but it made no sense to me." Confused, her boyfriend askes, "What confused you? It's pretty simple." She replies, "At the beginning of the game, they flip a quarter to see who gets the ball first. Then, the whole game they're shouting 'Get the quarterback, get the quarterback!' I mean, hellllooooo, it's just 25 cents!"4 Short jokesNext page JokesLip Sayings