91 jokes about light
57 → Joke
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said: "Let's talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.
"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"
The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit
39 → Joke
broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus
is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot
in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
46 → Joke
There were three babies
in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting
40 → Joke
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow
hurts. I better go to the doctor
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer
at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine
sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs
. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
23 → Joke
On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black
man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snotty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later, the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin:
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues ...
"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you ..."
At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane ...