Light bulb Jokes
Top 20 Jokes about Light Bulbs

How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Three. One to prosecute, one to defend, one to screw it the same way they do everything else.
2) How many can you afford?

How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They're not small enough to fit.

How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
2) The light bulb cannot be changed — it has to be smashed.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Amish don't believe in light bulbs. God will provide light unto the world.

How many ayatollahs does it take to change a light bulb?

None. There were no light bulbs in the 12th century.

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Two. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the other and take all the credit.

2) None. There is no honor in changing a light bulb, besides, a true warrior isn't afraid of the dark.

How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
3) All of them.

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.

How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb?

Are you joking? They can't even change a dirty diaper!

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the light bulb has got to want to change.

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?

The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1) None. Feminists can't change anything.
2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help.

How many bisexuals does it take to change a light bulb?

1) However many turns you on ;)
2) That depends ... is it AC or DC?
3) Three or more ... it's more fun to fumble in the dark that way instead of being alone.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
2) "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
3) "We haven't got a policy on that".
4) "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.

How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better.

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes millions of years.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They use candles.

How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

One-two, one-two, one-two.

How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Will this be on the test?

How many IT guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, that's a Facilities problem.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Arabs just sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way ...

One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.

2) None, they like to keep employees in the dark.

3) "This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ..."

4) "We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.
2) None. It's a hardware problem!
3) Just one. But the house falls down.
4) Two. One resigns halfway through the project.
5) 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.
6) Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) "Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
2) "Define 'light bulb' ..."
3) "How can you be sure it needs changing?"
4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.

How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.

How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

1) 1001. One to install the new bulb, plus one thousand lawyers to assert intellectual property rights over every light bulb ever invented.
2) Microsoft doesn't change light bulbs. It declares Darkness (TM) the new standard.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.

How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.