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Lift jokes

18 jokes about lifts


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woman,calling
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.

The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."

So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

71    


"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" a young son asks.

"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "thats a pussy son."

"It's wonderful dad, can I touch it?"

"No son" says Dad. "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunt up!"

58    


man,firecracker
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

47    


A man goes to see a wizard and says: "Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?"

"Maybe" says the wizard, "If you can remember the exact words of the curse."

The man replies without hesitation: "I now pronounce you as man and wife!"

12    


businessman
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.

An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"

He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"

25    


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