An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"27 Funeral Jokes
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.26 Asshole Jokes
He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
Two frat boys were stranded at sea in a life boat. On the 4th day, a mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to save their lives.25 Beer Jokes
The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out,"I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And it happened.
A litle while later the other one shouted,"Great, now we have to pee in the boat!"
Many years ago when I was 23, I got married to a widow. This widow had a grown up daughter.15 Sex Jokes
My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married too.
This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife!
After a few years I bacame father of a baby boy complicating the matter further. My son became the brother-in-law of my father!
A sinking ship's captain: "Does anyone know how to pray?"7 Captain Jokes
A priest says he can pray.
Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."