How is an apple
like a lawyer?
They both look good hanging from a tree
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."
A guy walks into a bar
and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
She, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?
Two lawyers are in a bank
, when, suddenly, armed robbers
burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money
from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
A man has a heart
attack and is brought to the hospital
emergency room. The doctor
tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker".
The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"