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Lady jokes

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What's the difference between a Lady in the church and lady in the bathtub?

One has Hope in her Soul and One has Soap in her Hole!

9    

church

A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.

Police are looking into it.

13    

policeman,donut

An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?"

The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"

21    

girl,sexy

Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.

Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: "DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS."

Confused, they all ask "Um ... what?"

St. Peter says "If you step on one duck, it quacks. If a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and ... well ... you'll see."

With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.

A day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. Seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. It's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. Hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.

Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.

She gets the same punishment as the first lady.

The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. Then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.

Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"

And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

3    


There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

18    




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