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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"

45     preacher jokes


An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor.

The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."

As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.

As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"

30     smoking jokes


Why doesn't jesus play hockey?

Beacuse he's scared to get nailed to the boards.

30     Jesus jokes


Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

37     affair jokes


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

33     baby jokes






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