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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at ..." replied the doctor.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:

Tourist: $8.00.
Broiled Missionary: $10.00.
Fried Explorer: $12.50.
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican:$100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."

A chemist walks into a restaurant and asks for Dihydrogen Monoxide. The waiter asks what that is. The chemist informs him that the molecular formula of this chemical is H2O. So the perplexed waiter says, "it's basically water," to which the chemist responds, "neutrally!"

A family of three are in a hot air balloon. It's a mom, dad, and a toddler. The balloon catches fire and the mom says, "We need to get out of here!"

The dad picks up the two parachutes and straps one on himself and one on his wife.

"What about the baby?" Asks the mom.
"We'll have to leave him here." The dad replies, and he grabs the mom's hand, and jumps out.

The two landed safely, right outside of a small town. They went into a restaraunt, as they were hungry. The waitress says, "I think there's someone here waiting for you, you fit the description."

The couple follow the waitress to a table where their child is sitting!
"How did you get here? We thought you died!" Exclaimed the father.
The toddler said, "Me no stupid, me no dumb, me jump onto Daddy's bum! Daddy goes 'boom', and I go zoom, and that's how I got here so soon."

The mom is shocked. "I told you not to eat those beans for dinner last night!"

A man walks in on a ghost masturbating. The ghost shoots his, "ectoplasm" at the man from the shock. The man screams. The ghost then says before disappearing, "guess what, I died of AIDS!!"