Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetary.
How is an apple like a lawyer?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin.
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"More jokes