An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma
, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.→ Joke
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."→ Joke
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral.
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."→ Joke
Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?"
Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.
"What?! You shouldn't have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me she was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.
Bobby apologized and went about his day.
About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?"
There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."→ Joke
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."→ JokeMore jokes