Why didn't the husband
change the baby
for a week?
Because the text on the diapers
package said '18-40 lbs'.
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her. Pity her.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."More jokes