's new baby
brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
“Did you get that for your birthday?” He asked.
“No!” Jimmy replied.
“Well did you get it for Christmas then?” Johnny asked.
“You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“No!” said Jimmy.
“I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents’ room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily: “What do you want now?”
“I cannot sleep there's water in my bed”. Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said: “Fine! Stand at the corner keep quiet and wait!”.
Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.
Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: "DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS."
Confused, they all ask "Um ... what?"
St. Peter says "If you step on one duck, it quacks. If a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and ... well ... you'll see."
With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.
A day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. Seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. It's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. Hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.
Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.
She gets the same punishment as the first lady.
The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. Then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.
Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"
And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."More jokes