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What do you call
a positively charged pussy-cat?
It is near the end of the school
year. The teacher
has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.5
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man… Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests ...
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again ... When she got up in the bedroom,
Tony took off his trousers exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his trousers and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man…
Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there,
Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said,
'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell
and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God
up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer