A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?
The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.
There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."
Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."
Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man!"
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time."
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.