There was a prostitute
on the beach
without any arms or legs, and crying
. A man
came along and asked her what the matter was. She tells him that she has not been hugged before, so he picks her up and hugs her.
The next day she is still there crying, the same man comes along and asks her what the matter is. She tells him that she has not been kissed before, so he picks her up and kisses her.
The next day she's still there crying, and same man comes along again. He asks her sternly what the matter is and she tells him that she has not been fucked before. So the man picks her up, walks to the end of the pier, and throws her in the sea and says: "Now you're fucked."
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner
used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
HOW TO IMPRESS
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
... with beer
throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators
. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO
(Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
A guy has a business trip to China. While he's there he has fun with lots Chinese ladies of the evening. After coming back home to the US, he notices his penis is getting funny looking green rings around it and blue and red spots too. He goes to his PCP and the doctor does some tests. He says, "I'm afraid we'll have to amputate your penis!" The guy refuses and goes to another doctor, who tells him the same thing. After trying a few more doctors, he thinks, "Wait a minute, I got this in China, I'll go to a Chinese doctor, he'll be able to help me!" So he goes to Dr. Long Wang. Dr Wang looks at the guy's member and says, "Oh, you got Chinese dick disease. No worry!" The guy breathes a huge sigh of relief! He says, "Wow, I'm so glad! All the other doctors over here I went to said they wanted to amputate it!" Dr. Wang exclaimed, "Ah yes, American doctors always want to operate! No worry! In 3 weeks penis turn black fall off by self!" ~ I hates bill gates1