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House jokes

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A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

30     dog jokes


A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man!"

31     sex jokes


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

29     sex jokes


Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.

Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.

After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?"

"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

22     sex jokes


A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

31     man jokes






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