Hospital jokes

A man lying on a nude beach noticed a little girl eyeballing his private bits as she approached, so he covered them with a newspaper.

When the little girl was close enough, she asked the man what he was hiding under the newspaper, to which he replied, "it's just my little bird."

The little girl asked if she could see the little bird, to which the man replied that she could not, because it was resting.

The man eventually fell asleep, forgetting about the incident.

A while later, the man woke up in a hospital bed, in AGONY, and cried out, "what HAPPENED???"

Just then, the little girl stepped in and said, "I tried to play with your little bird, but it SPIT at me, so I broke its neck, crushed its eggs, and burned its nest..."     ~ Dreisdale

A proctologist (butt doctor) is walking in a hospital when an intern runs up to him with very important documents to sign. Frantically, the doctor reaches into his pocket to pull out his pen but instead finds a rectal thermometer. The proctologist gets red in the face and starts swearing.
The intern asks him if he's mad because he had grabbed the wrong tool.

The doctor replies "No, some asshole has my favorite pen!"     ~ Max

The hospital calls me up and tells me my wife has wrecked my car.

I say, "Who is me! Don't you people ever have any good news!?"

"It depends on how you feel about your wife. You see the airbags failed too."

What is the difference between friends and best friends?

When you are in hospital, friends ask: "How are you?"

Best friends ask: "Hey brother, how is the nurse?"