53 jokes about hellProposal
So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.4
So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting. So he stops at the drugstore on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.
He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."
They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.)
Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything.
He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he grabs little sister ... tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun ... still not a word, though.
Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."
A girl comes home and says to her boyfriend
: "I have just had a tattoo
of a sea shell on the inside of my leg at the top."
Her boyfriend gets his head between her legs and puts his ear to the tattoo and listens to the sea. "That's brilliant," he said "you can also smell the fish
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar
with his pet dog
. The bartender
said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets
game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown
?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
The following is a (supposedly) true story, as seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish T.V. Channel:
of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name forward for a surprise game show. She idolized teen-age pop star Ricky Martin, and they arranged for TV
cameras to be placed throughout the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's bedroom - all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise.
However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty, the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a tin of pate
- at this stage the live TV audience is wondering, "What the hell is going on?"
She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her triangle of womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch).
As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the family dog
, who obediently trots up the stairs and settles down to his favorite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed". At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very embarrassed set of parents in front of a live studio audience! Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed.
What did the bee say to the flower?1