52 jokes about hell
After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.
"You know," says the cop
, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?"
"Last week my wife
ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
, calling Mount Sinai Hospital
, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient
is getting better."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor
, doesn't tell me a word!"
along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song
she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses
When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music
store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.
"Hello," the mechanic
"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.
The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."
"Oh, is that a record?" she says.
"No," he says, "but it's better than average."
An old man took his dog
to the vet
after getting several complaints from the mailman
. After examining the dog, the vet said, "Sir, I don't see anything wrong with your dog other than the fact that he is old, and through my years of practice, I have found that if you castrate
an old dog, they will get fat and lazy and mellow out quite a bit."
After giving this much thought, the old man said, "OK doc, go ahead, because if I don't do something, my ass is going to end up in jail." Three days later, the old man went to the vet's office, picked the dog up and took him home.
That evening, the old man was sitting on his porch reading his paper, and the bulldog was laying by his side. Along came the mailman, who turned into the old man's front gate to give the old man his mail. Off of the porch jumped the dog, knocked the mailman down, and proceeded to tear his ass up.
The old man came off of the porch, picked the dog up, placed him under his arm and said, "Damn Mr. Mailman, I'm sorry as hell, but I just don't know what to do with this damn dog." "As a matter of fact, I just took him to the vet three days ago and had him castrated."
The mailman got up, brushed himself off and said, "Well you dumb son-of-a-bitch, you should have had his teeth pulled! Hell, I could tell that he didn't want to screw me when he came off of the porch!"