36 jokes about heaven
The tensions of life were threatening to get a strangle hold on Bill, and after he'd finished a good dinner, he relaxed mindlessly in a soft chair next to the stereo, with a stiff drink
in his hand. His wife
knew nothing of his nervous state, and she climbed onto his lap with the thought of trying to wheedle a fur coat out of him, and snuggled and murmured and fondled.
"Good heavens, Ethel," he exploded, "get off of me! I get enough of this at the office
Knock, Knock.2 Proposal
Heaven you heard enough of these silly knock-knock jokes?
Three blonde friends die together in a car wreck. They find themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He warns them that before they can enter heaven, they have to tell him what Easter is about.3 Proposal
The first blonde says, "Easter is a holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."
"Nooooo," groans St. Peter. "You don't get in."
The second blonde says, "Easter is the holiday where we decorate a tree with pretty ornaments and give each other presents."
"Nooooo," groans St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."
The third blonde says, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with his disciples, he was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified him on a cross. After he died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."
"Very good!" says St. Peter.
But the blonde continues. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter."
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.2 Proposal
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.2
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES!
At 4 the next morning, F. B. I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.