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Heaven jokes

37 jokes about heaven



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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"

35     → Joke


Proposal

3 men die and go to heaven. St. Peter is standing at the gate and asks the first man how long were you married the man replied 40 years. St Peter asks how long were you faithful. The man replied 40 years. St. Peter replied you get the roles royce to drive around in heaven.

the second walks up. St. Peter asks him how long he was married and how long he was faithful. The man replied St. Peter I was Married 40 years but only faithful for 20. St. Peter replies you get this beetle to drive around in heaven in.

The third man walks up and St. Peter asks him the same question. The man replies I was married for 40 years but only faithful for 10years. St. Peter said you get the mopad to drive in heaven So the man with the mopad and the man with the beetle was driveing and saw the man with the roles royce off the side of the road crying they asked him what was wrong the man replied OH! LORD! I just saw my wife roll by on a skateboard.

6     → Joke


Proposal

A little girl finds her dog dead with his legs in the air and she asks her dad why it's like that.

Dad says: "It has died and it's like that so jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven."

The next day girl says to dad: "Mom nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting: 'Oh Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming and if the milkman hadn't been holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

5     → Joke


The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

54     → Joke


A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and her."

The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven, would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked: "Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the first time.

But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in heaven have a go!"

36     → Joke


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