36 jokes about heaven
21 computer jokes
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple
The marketing is done by Microsoft
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
23 sex jokes
Paul and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Paul that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Paul's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Paul asks.
"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex
to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
32 hell jokes
There was an earthquake
at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell
. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
34 sex jokes
dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes
in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."
"You don't want to go there", he replies. "They rape
and sodomize you down there."
"I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."
52 lawyer jokesNext page Jokesheaven sayings
A New York Divorce Lawyer
died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless
person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell