Hard - 43 jokes
26 → Joke
It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury
was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors
succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.
"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.
"I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that."
"Would it help to just write it down?"
The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note
to the judge
. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.
juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.
The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."
"But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."
13 → Joke
is not a virus
. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug
22 → Joke
How many managers
does it take to change a light bulb?
1) A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.
2) None, they like to keep employees in the dark.
3) "This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ..."
4) "We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."
13 → Joke
The National Institutes of Health
have announced that they will no longer be using rats
for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys
. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers
don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do.
12 → Joke
walks into a pub
in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish
are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking
them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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