117 jokes about handsProposal
At the nursing home, Abe and Edna had struck up a romantic relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together on the sofa, Edna would unzip Abe's fly, pull out his penis and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately.4
One day, Abe told Edna it was all off. He told her he was leaving her for Mabel - one of the other old dears at the nursing home. Naturally, Edna was a little miffed.
"Heavens! What's she got that I haven't got?'' she asks.
''Parkinson's,'' said Abe.
On little Larry
's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher
came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!"
The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman
has only 2?" asked the teacher.
!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.
"Pockets!" said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"
This Scottish farmer
walks into the neighborhood pub
, and orders a whiskey
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck
A young woman
in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry
Two married buddies are out drinking
one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife
STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob
?' ... and she's always sound asleep."