118 jokes about hands
28 → Joke
walked into a New York City bank
and asked for the loan
officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.
The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car
as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
23 → Joke
told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying
. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters
. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
30 → Joke
, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO
. This new boss
is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money
do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing
, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza
delivery guy from Domino's."
44 → JokeProposal
This Scottish farmer
walks into the neighborhood pub
, and orders a whiskey
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.6 → Joke
"You all have obsessions" he observed.
To the first mother he said: "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Come on Dick, we're leaving."