31 jokes about guns
When I was younger I hated going to weddings
. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
A couple of New Jersey hunters
are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator
: "My friend is dead
! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
A social worker is facing a mugger
with a gun. "Your money
or your life
!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary
. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon
," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule
. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"