A social worker is facing a mugger
with a gun. "Your money
or your life
!" says the mugger.
"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
A couple of New Jersey hunters
are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator
: "My friend is dead
! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
When I was younger I hated going to weddings
. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
was having problems with premature ejaculation
so he decided to go to the doctor
. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem ...
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol
. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol my wife shit
on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"