33 jokes about golf
A guy and a nun
. The guy hits his ball into the water. He says "Damn! I missed!" The nun replies "Don't swear. God
can hear you." So the guy is like "Whatever".
He hits the ball again. It goes into the trees. "Damn! I missed!" "Don't swear, God can hear you!" "Whatever"
So, he hits his ball once again, but it only goes about 4 yards. "AARRRGH!!!! SHIT!!!!"
Ok, so about now, God gets mad. He throws down a thunderbolt. It hits the nun.
"Damn! I missed!"
Whats the difference between a bad golfer
and a bad skydiver
A bad golfer goes: WHACK
... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
were in a sand trap watching a duffer
"Quick," said the one ant to the other. "Get on the ball before he kills us."
who was late for a golf game was rather short tempered with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision
for his son."
Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order." Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.5
"Max," says Nathan, "we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks." 4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whisky, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.
Nathan tells them, "Guys, we're drinking to my impending death. I've been diagnosed with AIDS." His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, "Dad, you tell me you're dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you're dying of AIDS. I don't understand."
Nathan replies, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."