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One day I got hired to be a Walmart greeter. I was doing a fine job untill a women with her two kids came in.

This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.

I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"

She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"

I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."

That was my first and last day being a Walmart greeter.

20     Walmart Jokes


A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"

26     Genie Jokes


Proposal

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom, when she finds a serious load of bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband, "what do we do?"

Husband says, "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."     ~ D-TRAIN

3     Short jokes


Gordon Brown was lookin for a lady of the night. He found a girl in a local pub. He said: "I'm Prime minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend time with you ...?"

Her reply: "Mr prime minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners - then it won't cost a fucking penny!"

19     Prime Minister Jokes


Italian: "When I finish making love to my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees and she floats 6 inches above the bed in extasy!"

Frenchman: "Zat is nothing, when I finish wit ze girl ah kiss her all ze way down her body and zen lick ze soles of her feet and she floats 10 inches above ze bed in extasy."

Englishman: "When I'm finished shaggin me bird I wipe me knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"

12     English Jokes






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