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Bono is up on stage with U2 doing a gig at Wembley, when the song finishes he starts to slowly clap his hands and says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies!"

A voice near the front of the stage shouts to bono in a Irish accent: "Well stop fucking clapping then!"

21     irish jokes


Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"

Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

35     blonde jokes


One day I got hired to be a Walmart greeter. I was doing a fine job untill a women with her two kids came in.

This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.

I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"

She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"

I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."

That was my first and last day being a Walmart greeter.

18     Walmart jokes


A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.

The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"

Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"

33     boss jokes


Gordon Brown was lookin for a lady of the night. He found a girl in a local pub. He said: "I'm Prime minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend time with you ...?"

Her reply: "Mr prime minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners - then it won't cost a fucking penny!"

19     prime minister jokes






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