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39 jokes about families



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Proposal

A family of three are in a hot air balloon. It's a mom, dad, and a toddler. The balloon catches fire and the mom says, "We need to get out of here!"

The dad picks up the two parachutes and straps one on himself and one on his wife.

"What about the baby?" Asks the mom.
"We'll have to leave him here." The dad replies, and he grabs the mom's hand, and jumps out.

The two landed safely, right outside of a small town. They went into a restaraunt, as they were hungry. The waitress says, "I think there's someone here waiting for you, you fit the description."

The couple follow the waitress to a table where their child is sitting!
"How did you get here? We thought you died!" Exclaimed the father.
The toddler said, "Me no stupid, me no dumb, me jump onto Daddy's bum! Daddy goes 'boom', and I go zoom, and that's how I got here so soon."

The mom is shocked. "I told you not to eat those beans for dinner last night!"

7     → Joke


A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

"Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment."

Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!", said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"

"Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

16     → Joke


Proposal

This guy finally gets a date with the girl of his dreams. She tells him that before they can go out, he has to come over and have dinner with her family. Well the guy isn't too fond of the idea but the woman is too gorgeous to refuse.

The rest of the day the guy worries and frets. He gets so worried that he starts to build up a lot of gas. But he makes it to her house and is invited inside. The dinner was great and afterwards the young woman's father starts to read the paper. The guy's gas has built to a level that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little fart go.

Phht ...

The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says, "Spot ..."

The guy looks around confused by this comment and spies a old sheepdog behind his chair. Great the old man must think the dog is doing it! So he decides to let a bigger fart go.

Phhhhttt ...

The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his paper. "Spot!" he says in an annoyed tone.

The guy feels much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the gas.

pppphhhhttttpow!

The father rips his glasses off and throws the paper to the floor. "Spot you deaf bag of fur ... get away from him before he shits all over you!"

5     → Joke


A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."

7     → Joke


Proposal

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

3     → Joke


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