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A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

27     pope jokes


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

22     NASA jokes


The National Poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:

“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.”

The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.

The redneck, with sweat rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:

“A friend and I a hunting went,
We spied three maidens in a tent,
They being three, we being two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”

The redneck went to the finals.

13     redneck jokes


A working-class man who has been going steady with his upper class girlfriend for about a month is asked to have dinner with the girlfriends parents. They live in this huge mansion house in the country with servents and butlers etc, and everything is very very posh. Before dinner, he and his girlfriends parents are sitting in the drawing room, indulging in a bit of idle lighthearted hat before dinner, and everyone is laughing at his jokes and he is rather pleased with himself.

So, the time comes for dinner, and they are all sitting around this huge dinner table enjoying a 9-course banquet. But about two-thirds through the meal the guy has *really* got to fart. He asks to be excused to go to the bathroom, and asks for instructions on how to get there, and they give him a load of directions, and by the time he has spent around 5 minutes walking around corridors he is busting for a fart. He spots a window in the hallway he is in, and a split second thought crosses his mind. He runs over to the window, opens it, pokes his butt through the hole and lets out a massive earth rumbling wiffy fart. He closes the window and makes his way back to the dinner table rather pleased with his little idea (not to mention his farting prowess).

When he returns, the three others are eating in silence. He slips into his seat opposite his girlfriend, leans over and says "This is all going rather well, isn't it?"

Turning to him with a stern face his girlfriend uttered, "Everything was going fine, until you farted through the serving hatch!"

13     farting jokes


A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

9     age jokes






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