66 jokes about eyes
14 → JokeProposal
There was a lawyer
and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery
, and his wife
was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said: "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
He replied: "The drugs
are wearing off!"
Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.6 → JokeProposal
Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says: "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon says: "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan: "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dan says: "I'd be half blind."
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.
"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."3 → Joke
The pharmacist asked: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
14 → Joke
and the Clintons
are flying on Air Force One.Bill
looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
12 → Joke
One day at a busy airport, the passengers
on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot
to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind
; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane
begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"