English - 11 jokes
Italian: "When I finish making love to my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees and she floats 6 inches above the bed in extasy!"10 → Joke
Frenchman: "Zat is nothing, when I finish wit ze girl ah kiss her all ze way down her body and zen lick ze soles of her feet and she floats 10 inches above ze bed in extasy."
Englishman: "When I'm finished shaggin me bird I wipe me knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"
22 → Joke
The Japanese eat
very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink
very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
35 → Joke
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick
and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators ...
14 → Joke
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman
, a pretty young blonde
girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap
, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."
The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French
32 → Joke
who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be selfsufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree
and says to the chief: "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds: "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them!
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied: "My bike."